Gay Bearcub - A glimpse into my life

Well!

How wrong could I be?

The following Saturday night I got a text from him - begging me for my help. Now, I had a very odd feeling in the pit of my stomach when I got this. I decided not to reply for the time being.

On the Sunday my moby was going 9 to the dozen ringing and ringing. It seems he had got his sister to keep calling to ask me to ring him!

I eventually got Mike my mate to sort it out and find out what was going on and he rang the sister. The friend who he has supposedly known for 20 years had thrown him out (or asked him to leave) for no other reason apparently than he wanted his place back to himself!

He wanted me to help him out by letting him come and stay with me for a while. Sorry, but no way - been there and done that a couple of times before in my life and will not ever entertain that idea again.

Something fishy? I think so. You don't know someone for that long and throw them out in the street for no good reason without giving them time to sort out something else unless they've done something real bad.

So, I was right to suspect he was after something. Mike pretended that I had gone away for a few days so I could get some breathing space.

A few days later I decided to send him a text saying that I was sorry about his situation but there was no way I could help accommodation wise, for one thing it's only a one bedroom place and my teneancy (let alone my sanity!) would not allow it. His friend or even his family should be the ones helping him out. Not me - I have only really met him twice and totally do not know him well enough to help in that way.

Plus I don't trust him alone here in my flat (which I didn't add to the text!)

I did it by text so as I wouldn't be interrupted or talked out of it (by persuasion - subtle or otherwise) I felt bad, I have to say, as I would never see anyone suffer - but I knew I'd done the right thing.

The next day I got the phonecall I was half expecting, trying the soft sympathy tack to wear me down, about how he's had to sleep on the streets and homeless places had no openings in their shelters etc etc. "It'll only be for one night, just somewhere to have a wash and go to work from. I'll even sleep on the couch!" "please, PLEASE!"

I held firm - much as it was killing me - I was in tears, but kept saying no, I can't, I can't, I can't. He eventually gave up trying and said he'd call me again in a few days.

Obviously he had realised that he couldn't wear me down.

I have not heard from him since.

Which I am pleased about. Even though it goes against my nature - I couldn't go through the sort of trouble that comes with people with mega problems.

A couple of weeks back, Mr 24 hour affair re-appeared in my life!

Much as it was a surprise to hear from him again, it was quite nice that he wanted to re-establish contact anew.

Seems that the guy he went back to after me had beaten him up again, the so called love of his life! This guy had thrown him out on New Years Eve and he had gone back to live with his family.

He was surprisingly upbeat about it all in positive way. Like this happening had made his life change for the good. The relationship over forever, and an offer from a friend of his to come back and live in Salford - he was pressing the reset button for 2007!

Also the chance to build and have proper friendships (with me particularly), he'd even found himself a new job.

I felt awkward about him visiting, as this was the first time I had seen him since August 2006 - and a lot of water had passed under the bridge.

I was pleasantly releived that there was no awkwardness at all about what had/hadn't happened back then, just two friends sharing an evening together.

All in all it was great - and seemed to herald a new direction for us as mates with him having his life go right for a change, and me as ever the same guy I always have been.......

I thought I might over the next few weeks entertain you with some tales from further back in my life - my pre cub days in London.

There I met some mad, bad and downright freaky men and got involved in some bizarre situations. There'll be some laugh out loud moments and some where you'll just go Oh My God! did that really happen?

Fireside Tales will be my occasional interlude posts and may even read like a book when all put together.

Des xx

...although he had said he'd text me when he was on his way, until I heard differenty I was expecting him late afternoon as before and had got a special dinner in and everything and had planned a nice evening for us.

Time dragged on and hours passed I called him a couple of times to make sure he wasn't working late or something as he hadn't said otherwise, but all I got when I rang was voicemail so could do no more until I heard anything.

Evening became late evening, I still hadn't eaten as I thought he might call any minute to say he was nearly there.

I finally got a text from him at 9pm!

Apparently his mum was ill and he was going to be staying over at hers. Well, I thought fair enough, as family has to come first, and that at least put my mind at rest that he hadn't had an accident or something - though I was hurt that he hadn't contacted me before I ruined dinner and worried myself to death.

I was ok about it though and said we could reschedule things. He said he'd call when he got back. All seemed fine. He was saying how much he was looking forward to seeing me again.

I just sent a text each day to see how he was doing and that his mum was okay. I finally got a call back from him on the Tuesday night.

He'd decided that he's going to make a go of it with his ex, doesn't want to hurt me etc.

I said that's cool and we can be mates, because if anything we get on terrifically well. He thought that was great as he hasn't got many friends to confide in.

Of course it hurt me like hell, but I didn't show it.

I've heard nothing since, which I suppose I shouldn't be surprised about, as most men can lie to olympic class for their countries.

WHY don't men want nice guys????

We arranged to meet up on the Wednesday, and he came to mine at about 2pm.

We talked, we cuddled, we cried, we kissed

Such a connection. I can honestly say I had seldom felt this way so soon with someone. He felt it too, it was all so right. I cooked him a meal and we watched DVDs cuddled up together on the couch.

We bared our souls to each other about everything good and bad in our lives, listened to music that had poignant meaning to us, we cried some more.

We went to bed and made love, not sex, love. He said that no one had ever treated him that way. It was all so much that either of either of us could feel in a short time, so gentle, so real, so right.

After such a special night, when morning came everything felt different and new with the world. I had such a feeling of serenity that I could almost fly!

He had to be at work for the next evening, so we parted in town at lunchtime, and spent the next few days texting and caling until we would meet again for Saturday evening.......

One good thing to come out of this years Pride was a new man for me...

Our eyes met on Canal Street on the Sunday, like something out of a film. There's no words to describe the feeling unless you've experienced it.

Anyhow, a bit later that afternoon whilst I was having a drinkie with my mates he came upto me and started chatting.

There was a definite chemistry between us from the first moment we spoke, eyes only for each other - little touches and the occasional kiss. I had plans for the evening so we swapped mobile numbers and arranged to meet up later in the week and start from scratch getting to know each other without the false situation of Pride....

...part two will follow soon!

Hi again everybody!

Well, I am hopefully at the end of what I can only describe of a month of hell illness wise. I got three lots of flu one week after another and was just getting over that when I went to Manchesters Pride weekend.

I got thoroughly soaked through queueing up for the wristbands on the Friday and by the Bank Holiday I had a streaming cold and cough which later developed into a full on nasty chest infection!!

Been off work 4 weeks now and still coughing even today, so it's not fully gone despite the antibiotics

I've had a couple of not pleasant anniversaries to deal with this month, so it hasn't been the greatest May on record. But with quiet dignity I got through it.

After the negativity of the last couple of posts, I bet you're beginning to wonder where the happy soul from the beginning of this year has got to?

I'm still in here - buried under doubt and uncertainty - but essentially still the same new me you encountered in January!

.....it's not like I don't get any interest from guys.

In fact it's been quite the opposite since my bearcub metamorphosis.

It's just that - flattering though it is, I want more now than just a quickie play or shag.

I know I'm not alone in wanting this (in fact I'm probably one of millions), but just for once it would mean so much if someone would stick around long enough to get to know me a bit.

To share some of their time, talk to me, find that I'm a great guy to know outside of the 5 minute fumble!

I am so much more than that. If only they would de-compartmentalise their lives for just a while and allow somebody in.

Christ! I feel so undervalued at times.